What we need in all of our leaders

self-trust, belief, and nine core leadership traits + stories

Welcome to Bonded. New articles are posted every Tuesday. In my last essay, The lies we tell to get hired, I reflected on the performance employees and employers put on when making hiring decisions. If you want to write-in: ask a question, tell a story, or share a comment, please do so here.

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The Struggle

Here’s the truth: for years, I couldn’t believe someone trusted me to lead a team. Me? A leader? It felt surreal. I was promoted, handed the title, and told, “Go lead!”—but deep down, I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

So I did what I thought a good manager was supposed to do: I made sure everything always looked good. Even when it wasn’t.

It became this inner battle—constantly trying to prove to myself, to my team, and to anyone watching that I was worthy of being a leader. But it was exhausting. And the harder I worked to make things seem perfect, the more disconnected I felt from what leadership was really about.

I failed a lot. And each failure hit hard. I tried to learn, pick myself back up, and move on. But the hurt lingered because, deep down, I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t trust that I deserved to be in the position I was in.

Looking back, I realize that was the belief running the show: I’m not good enough to lead. And because of that, I cared more about how I looked as a manager than how I showed up as one.

What does it even mean to be a “good” manager? Everyone’s definition is different. For me, at the time, it meant being polished, put-together, and in control. But now I know that leadership isn’t about appearances—it’s about connection, trust, and the courage to show up messy and imperfect.

I’ve been lucky. I’ve had managers who encouraged me to be creative and trusted my ideas. Without that, I might’ve stayed trapped in the version of myself that needed permission to grow.

But I’ve also been on the other side—working for managers who asked for my ideas but never took them seriously. And here’s the hard part to admit: I’ve done this to my own teams, too. I’ve dismissed their input, not because it wasn’t good, but because I was so focused on protecting how I looked as a manager that I couldn’t see the value in their voices.

That’s what happens when your belief system is set to “prove” instead of “trust.” It’s a self-fulfilling cycle that keeps everyone small—yourself included.

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The Power of Belief in Leadership

Belief matters. What we believe—about ourselves and the people we lead—shapes how we show up.

If you believe your team can’t be trusted, you’ll micromanage. If you believe you’re not good enough, you’ll overcompensate. If you believe mistakes define you, you’ll hide them and expect others to do the same.

Psychologist Douglas McGregor captured this perfectly in his theories of human motivation:

• Theory X: People dislike work and need to be controlled.

• Theory Y: People are self-motivated and thrive when trusted and empowered.

The best leaders operate from Theory Y. They believe in their people. But to get there, you have to start with yourself.

Why? Because the beliefs you carry about yourself will always ripple out. If you don’t trust yourself, how can you trust others? If you’re always questioning your worth, how can you create an environment where your team feels valued?

One of the most impactful things I’ve done as a manager is to regularly celebrate small wins. I ended every weekly meeting by sharing something the team had accomplished that directly impacted our organization’s mission—even if it was small. Over time, this simple practice shifted the team’s mindset from focusing on what wasn’t working to recognizing how far we’d come. That belief in themselves carried us through the toughest moments.

Leadership begins with your inner world. The way you think about yourself sets the tone for how you lead, how you connect, and how you inspire others to believe in themselves.

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Core Leadership Lessons

Here’s what I’ve learned about belief—and leadership—through a lot of mistakes and hard-earned lessons:

• Trust-Building

  • Trust is everything. Without it, nothing else matters. But trust isn’t just about giving grace when someone fails. It’s deeper. It’s about creating a space where people can show up scared, uncertain, or messy—and still feel valued. Real trust isn’t performative; it’s rooted in vulnerability and safety. Trust is the absolute foundation, without it, your organization suffers.

    
    A few years ago, my team was understaffed, and we hired new client success managers without being transparent about the long hours. When new hires realized they had to stay late most days without prior warning, trust was broken, and dissatisfaction followed. This experience taught me that trust starts with honesty—from the first conversation. When expectations are clear and transparent, trust is built from the start. It’s not about forgiving mistakes; it’s about creating an environment where people feel respected and valued, even when the hard stuff happens.

• Encouraging Diverse Perspectives

  • If your team is full of people who agree with you, you’ve already lost. Leaders create spaces where disagreement isn’t just tolerated—it’s welcomed. The best ideas often come from the tension between differing viewpoints.
    

    I remember one project where I desperately wanted to push forward with a solution I thought was perfect. But one of my team members—a junior one, at that—pushed back. She saw risks I’d missed. I had a choice: shut the conversation down or lean into the discomfort. I chose the latter, and it completely changed the trajectory of the project. Her perspective saved us from a major misstep—and taught me that disagreement, when handled with respect, is a gift.

• Accountability

  • Accountability isn’t about blame. It’s about showing up, owning your mistakes, and modeling that for your team. Great leaders know they’ll fail sometimes. They embrace those moments as opportunities to grow—together.
    

    For me, accountability started with small things: admitting when I didn’t know something or when I’d made a wrong decision. I used to think leaders had to project perfection, but I’ve learned that admitting mistakes doesn’t weaken trust—it strengthens it. When your team sees you hold yourself accountable, they’re more likely to do the same.

• Shared Commitment to Goals

  • Teams thrive when united by a clear, shared purpose. But here’s the kicker: that purpose has to move people. Revenue? Too big and abstract. Try customer satisfaction or new customer acquisition. Something every team can feel and where every team directly sees their impact.

• Clarity and Results-Driven Focus

  • Ambiguity kills progress. Leaders bring clarity—not just to the destination but to the journey. They don’t micromanage. They create the conditions for their teams to thrive.

    
    One of the hardest lessons I learned was that clarity doesn’t mean controlling every detail. Early in my leadership journey, I thought I had to spell everything out. But what I was really doing was stifling creativity. Now, I focus on the “why” and the “what” and leave the “how” to the team. The result? A team that feels empowered instead of micromanaged.

• Leading by Example

  • This one is simple but hard: You can’t ask your team to do what you’re not willing to do yourself. I’ve learned that people don’t follow titles. They follow actions. Managers who actively embody the company’s values set the standard for their teams. Living those values day in and day out fosters respect and builds alignment.

    
    This one hit me hard after a team member told me, “You’re always telling us to take care of ourselves, but you’re the one answering emails at midnight.” It was a gut check. I realized I wasn’t modeling the balance I wanted for my team. Leadership isn’t about saying the right things; it’s about living them.

• Belief in the Team (and Themselves)

  • Leadership isn’t about knowing all the answers. It’s about believing—in the team’s potential, in your ability to guide them, and in the possibility of something greater. That belief creates resilience.

    
    When my team feels stuck, I remind them of their wins. Not to sugarcoat the challenges, but to show them what they’re capable of. If belief shapes everything (and it does), then as a leader, one of your greatest responsibilities is to hold onto belief when others can’t. To be the one whispering, “We’ve got this,” when doubt creeps in.

• Frequent, Meaningful Feedback

  • Feedback isn’t an annual event. It’s an ongoing conversation. Great leaders don’t hoard their thoughts; they share them often and with care.
    
    One of the biggest shifts I’ve made as a leader is learning to give feedback in real-time. Instead of waiting for formal reviews, I’ve started sharing observations—both positive and constructive—in the moment. “You handled that tough client beautifully” or “Let’s tweak how we approach this next time.” These small, consistent exchanges build trust and keep the team aligned.

• Bias Awareness

  • We all have blind spots. Great leaders confront them with humility. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being willing to learn and unlearn, over and over.
    

    I’ll never forget the time someone on my team gently pointed out that I was unintentionally favoring more outspoken team members. It was hard to hear, but it was true. Since then, I’ve worked to create space for quieter voices. Bias isn’t something you fix once—it’s something you commit to addressing, again and again.

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The Hard Truth

Being a great manager isn’t about checking boxes or chasing perfection. It’s about showing up—raw, messy, human—and committing to the work every single day. It’s about building trust, fostering connection, and leading your team toward something bigger than any one of you.

And at the heart of all of it?

Belief. In your team. In the journey. In yourself.