What no one tells you about being a manager

caring isn't enough, middle-management trap, building trust

Welcome to Bonded. Our very first bonus post is here! Thought I would share a quick mini piece I wrote. New articles are posted every Tuesday. In my last essay, If you’re afraid to be yourself at work, this might help you, I shared my reflections on letting go of perfection, embracing vulnerability, and building something meaningful together through shared purpose. If you want to write-in: ask a question, tell a story, or share a comment, please do so here.

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Caring Isn’t Enough

A few years ago, after another long day of work, I came across a quote on LinkedIn:
"Employees don’t leave bad companies—they leave bad managers."

I froze.

That past year, a few people had left my team. Did that make me a bad manager?

I wanted to tell myself no. I cared about my team. I was kind. I did my best. That should count for something, right?

But deep down, I knew. Caring alone wasn’t enough.

Here’s the thing: I thought I was doing the right things. Listening. Empathizing. Protecting my team from the harder realities of our workplace. But I wasn’t doing the hard thing—the thing that would have made a real difference.

I wasn’t being completely honest.

Not with my manager. Not with myself.

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Middle management is a strange, sticky place. You’re not “in charge,” but you hold all the responsibility. Your team tells you their problems, their frustrations, their fears. And you carry them. You carry them like fragile glass, afraid to let them slip.

But then what?

For me, I held onto it all. I didn’t share the frustrations and fears with my managers, at least not all of them. I didn’t know how to. The perfectionist in me wanted to protect my team and appear capable to my bosses. I was trying to be everything to everyone. And in doing so, I became nothing to myself.

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Here’s the truth I learned: caring is passive. Building relationships—that’s active.

It’s not enough to care about your team. You have to do the harder work of building trust, both with those you lead and those you report to.

Trust is built when you show up as your authentic self—owning your strengths and your struggles, not molding yourself into who you think others want you to be. For me, I was so afraid of being criticized or lectured that I didn’t share things I didn’t want noticed—the things that might make me look bad. I didn’t even know how to bring them up. It all felt so heavy, like sharing this information was somehow wrong. But trust is about believing that your managers see you as a capable individual with valuable insights, not just someone executing tasks. It means being honest—not seeking their approval by pretending everything is fine, but allowing them to guide and support you by sharing the full truth. After all, if they don’t know what’s really happening, how can they help?

I didn’t know that back then. I thought caring would shield me. But it’s not a shield. It’s a starting point.

And sometimes, it’s just an excuse.

Back then, I placed the blame everywhere but on myself. I cared deeply, so I thought the problem had to be anything else—the system, the workload, the people making the rules. But now, I try to look for my part in it all. I’ve learned to see how my choices, my silence, or even my good intentions might have shaped the outcome. It’s not about self-blame—it’s about accountability. And accountability is where change begins.

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If you’re in middle management—or thinking about joining a new team—here’s what I want you to know:

It’s okay to ask for what you need. It’s okay to ask your boss how to bring difficult feedback to them. It’s okay to ask for real connection. You are not just a cog in a machine.

It’s also okay to evaluate your leadership before you say yes to a role. Ask yourself:

• What values guide this manager?

• How do they talk about their team? Their boss? The company?

• Are they results-driven? Relationship-driven?

• Do their words feel real—or rehearsed?

Listen to your gut.

And remember: you are not just your job. You are not just your team. You deserve to be led as much as you deserve to lead.

Caring isn’t enough. But it’s a start.